Monday, August 22, 2011

A little venting

I wouldn't call myself a downer. At all. I don't like to complain (even though I do sometimes!), I almost to a fault see the bright side of most things, I like peace and an all around happy mood. I mean, there are a lot of people like this...but let's be honest, there are also a lot of people who like themselves some drama. I've been so fortunate in many ways and have been able to do and see a lot in the wee 26 years I've been around. Life has had it's ups and downs and in betweens and a lot of I don't knows. I don't really like to write about my 'feelings', especially when I'm in rare womp-womp form...but I think what I'm feeling is relatable so I thought I'd just post a structured vent session.

I'm in a perpetual state of uncertainty when it comes to what I do. I meet a new person, they ask what I do, I always laugh a little thinking to myself sighfully 'I don't know', but answering..."I travel, work as a Nanny, and hopefully one day I'll be earning a living doing something creative." That last part has really started getting to me lately. Everything in me wants to be a writer/photographer/musician/CREATOR of art. This creative drive is built in me and, I say this in a non-tooting-my-own-horn way, most things creative come natural to me. So why do I feel like I'm in a glass box with no stairs or a ladder to get out. Stuck in this tiny space watching a world of creatives find success and a path to journey on towards their purpose {??} I know why. I'm scared. I can't seem to grin and bare the times when I will inevitably fail. I surprise myself. I can pick up and move across the world with no job, no friends, and no idea of what to expect...with no problem and all the faith in the world. But, when it comes to pursuing something that I love I choke and choose to keep myself under the radar. Over time, I've become so irritated with myself that it's putting that much more of a distance between me and my reaching my goals...making my dreams, my vision a reality. In all fairness, I've chosen to travel and live a one-foot-out-the-door lifestyle over the past two years so I haven't positioned myself to really focus on a particular craft or brand. So, hold me accountable and kick my rear...when I plant both feet somewhere sometime between now and when I turn more fear, no more anything but jumping in and just freaking going for SOMETHING. Sheesh.


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